vyckie They were trafficking Liberian children for the glory of God’s kingdom. And, they were preying upon highly Conservative, Patriarchal, Evangelical and often Quiverful families … These children adopted from Liberia are survivors. They do NOT ’submit’. They fake it, but they don’t mean it in their hearts. And, Pearl flat-out says to BEAT THEM AGAIN, make their heart reflect submission. Hit them over and over and over again until their heart complies to what you want, or you will condemn them to the pits of Hell if you don’t.
by “Jo” ~ this post comes from the No Longer Quivering discussion forums.
The is the HEART of Micheal Pearl’s teachings. Its a STRONG belief in QF/P circles in general. But, its paramount to Pearl.
If you take these traumatized children and you decide that the only way you can parent them is to force them into a SINLESS life, its a death sentence.
Those who don’t lose their lives often lose their souls. The Reactive Attachment Disorder this creates is often insurmountable. But, for a few, it is so much worse because it becomes literal, physical death.
And, what Micheal Pearl is NOT putting in his latest press release is quite simple. His theology and parenting philosophy taken to its logical conclusion is an acceptance that these children are better off DEAD than not having attained the sinless life that is required of them.
In Micheal Pearl’s world, Lydia is better dead than spelling that word wrong. Plain and simple. Read his site (with a BIG bowl to puke in) and its everywhere. He is very MUCH responsible for this child’s death and the threat to the others. And, the sickening fact is that wackadoo’s sphere of influence is GROWING and infilitrating the non-Quiverfull/non-P Evangelical community at large.
I know what its like to parent these children from the war ravaged regions of W. Africa. My son is one of those children. He’s one of the FEW who has fully resolved his PTSD through intensive and specialized trauma therapy. His former therapist still consults with families whose children have been adopted from the region because the success rate of helping these children heal is SOO low.
My son is so very resilient and lucky. But, for most of these kids, its that resiliency that can then backfire. My son actually trained his brain to maintain a sleep-dream state of conciousness at all times. He had to re-train his brain to have a concious alert state because the coping mechanism was not necessary anymore. So, even wide awake, he was slow to respond, showed NO emotions (again a coping mechanism to keep you alive when you are in the precense of true evil) and was really retreated into himself…except when his PTSD would get triggered and he wasn’t there at all but was raging against the monsters and the demons that weren’t there. I was there. I took the brunt of those monster and demons. I got his siblings to safety and restrained him to keep him safe until they passed for YEARS.
I really and truly get what its like to parent these kids.
I also am fully, FULLY aware of what the 2 main facilitators who were placing children from Liberia were doing at the time this particular family adopted their children. I personally reported one of those facilitators to the US Embassy. And, I got into some bitter disputes with the personnel of the other facilitator.
They were trafficking, one for cash and the for the glory of God’s kingdom. And, they were preying upon highly Conservative, Patriarchal, Evangelical and often Quiverful families for the cash the needed to continue their ‘work’ (and hefty paychecks but that’s not to be discussed). Most adoption agencies don’t work with Quiverfull families for the simple fact that you cannot get pregnant in the process of adopting. You cannot adopt within 6-12 months of having a baby (depending on the agency and the country). And, you cannot continue with an adoption if you get pregnant.
During our international adoptions were actually the only time in our QF years when we were deliberately using birth control. It turned out I had health issues which left me with secondary inferitlity. But, we were using birth control so we COULD adopt.
Liberia attracted a lot of QF/P adoptive families because these 2 faciltiators targetted those families. The ‘godly’ facilitator was heavily marketed via Above Rubies. Though, I’m sure they never declared to that sect they were not a true adoption agency and had been cited by the state they were in repeatedly for lying about it.
Both groups were actually stealing children from families in Liberia and selling them. It was AWFUL and the QF/P movement contributed wholly to the situation. The only dvelopment in adoption that made me happier than seeing Liberia closed to international adoptions was the day Charles Taylor was captured and transported to Sierra Leone to face his victims. On both days, I actually danced for joy to read the news.
So, the situation when this family brought these girls was AWFUL. The Liberian children were in HORRIBLE conditions. The UN had snuck into the grounds of one facilitator’s compound with Liberaian officials and tried to get them closed down. The children were traumatized, often stolen from their families, treated like second rate citizens and shipped off to do-gooder Americans as bounty.
And, into the hands of those Americans, these facilitators encouraged the writings of Micheal Pearl. Now, to be fair, most of these families were already avid followers of the nut job. Most of them were well versed in their plumbing tubing and had raised their armies will great success for years already.
But, they brought traumatized children into a situation where strangers were beating them…in much the same manner their ‘rescuers’ in Liberia had done. They knew how to survive, but they most definitely did NOT know these people were family, parents, protectors. And, when these people acted like foe, these children respond in the same fashion.
When you put Micheal Pearl’s work into the hands of families with these traumatized children, its a recipe for disaster. Four years ago, a little boy came out of the foster system traumatized and into the hands of a woman who was die-hard adovate for Pearl. Sean Pollock lost his life for that mistake. Lynn Pollock could NOT distinquish where a ‘line’ was when she disciplined Sean. And, the reason she couldn’t find the LINE is because if you strictly follow Pearl’s teachings, there is NO LINE. The LINE is when the child submits, with a cheerful spirit, and nothing less. These children are survivors. They do NOT ’submit’. They fake it, but they don’t mean it in their hearts. And, Pearl flat-out says to BEAT THEM AGAIN, make their heart reflect submission. Hit them over and over and over again until their heart complies to what you want, or you will condemn them to the pits of Hell if you don’t.
Micheal Pearl’s teachings are death to a child who is not attached to his parents. Because, its NOT Pearl that establishes a line that keeps children alive. Read his work. Go to his website. Its very quick easy to realize that there is NO line for Pearl. The real LINE is the small voice in the back of a mother’s heart that says, this is wrong, I must stop, I will do damage if I push through any further.
For these children and their detached parents, that voice doesn’t exist. These mother’s hearts are NOT turned to their babies to protect them because their hearts don’t recognize those as their babies anymore than these children recognize them as mother. The danger is in flat-out in following these teachings at all with adopted children, especially traumatized adoptees.
Good, reputable adoption agencies would NEVER promote anything close to Micheal Pearl. The few adoption agencies that were working in Liberia had specific stances against all spanking for these children. Even the largest Christian adoption agency in this country, Bethany, has a policy against spanking adoptees. While agencies cannot screen out every die-hard, they do know to watch for it and to not place children where they truly suspect it exists.
This safety was not in place in Liberia with these facilitators. They encouraged Micheal Pearl, Garry Ezzo and Ted Tripp. They facilitated everything about their adoptions as a Christian duty to rescue these heathen children. And, they firmly espoused that those children had to be trained by the rod to be rescued from their heathen ways.
No, Micheal Pearl didn’t kill this child again. But, he put a gun in her volatile mother’s hand and told her to only use it to intimidate the child.
vyckie Advocating Biblical chastisement blurs the lines between discipline and beating. No Greater Joy Minister, Michael Pearl suggests using a 1/4 inch plumber’s supply line 10 times, per chastisement, increasing that amount if the child resists the discipline.
This article was first published at No Longer Quivering.
Friday, February 5, Kevin and Elizabeth Schatz, were charged with beating their 7 year old daughter to death for mispronouncing a word, and torturing her 11 year old sister, who was brought to Sacramento Children’s Hospital in critical condition from kidney failure and other injuries.[1]
In addition to the two girls, who were adopted, the Schatz’s have 6 biological children and another adopted child—all of whom were rarely seen out of doors or playing with other children, report neighbors[2]. Recently, the Butte county DA has reported that the Schatz’s followed the teachings of Michael Pearl, founder of No Greater Joy Ministries.[3]
Pearl advocates what he refers to as “Biblical Chastisement,” that is punishing children through the use of a rod, quoting Proverbs 13: 24 as a prooftext:
“He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.” (KJV)[4]
Pearl encourages parents to “chastise” (not punish—as if there is some enormous difference!) using a “rod.” He suggests using 1/4 inch plumber’s supply line, to administer the chastisement—which, Pearl maintains, is not a beating. This is exactly what the Schatz’s are being accused of using in beating and torturing their children.
Mark Ramsey, the DA is quoted as saying, “Even the Tennessee pastor that espouses hitting children right from infancy says that you must watch that you don’t cross the line. Clearly this is a situation where the line was crossed from discipline… to beating… to murder.[5]” The problem with advocating Biblical chastisement, though, is that it blurs the lines between discipline and beating. Pearl suggests using the plumber’s supply line 10 times, per chastisement, increasing that amount if the child resists the discipline. How many times must a child be hit with a rod for it to be a beating? Where is the line?
Tellingly, CBS reports that the Schatz’s children—all homeschooled —considered the beatings normal and do not understand why their parents have been arrested. Further, the LA atheism examiner notes that “more than two dozen supporters of the parents showed up at their arraignment on Feb. 9. They were back in court on Feb. 11 for appearance of counsel and possible entry of a plea to the murder and torture charges.”
As a daughter of fundamentalist parents, and as someone who grew up with this sort of discipline, this story deeply saddens me—but, it is not shocking or surprising. I remember a time when I would have been one of the children who did not understand, who thought her parents were just disciplining because they loved her. While I was never beaten so seriously—this story leaves me wondering “what if…” What something pushed my parents just a bit further?
This tragic story needs to be discussed and brought to light. It is not simply a story of parents who “went too far.” It’s a story about how warped teachings about parent-child relationships, discipline, and authority hurt children and destroy their lives. These teachings must be examined and exposed for what they are: normalized child abuse. I escaped—but will others be so lucky?
“Wanderingone” is a college student, finally breaking free of her homeschooled fundamentalist upbringing, by wearing pants and other things indicative of demon possession.
[1] http://www.examiner.com/x-8947-LA-Atheism-Examiner~y2010m2d18-Fundamentalists-charged-in-daughters-torture-death
[2] http://www.chicoer.com/publicsafety/ci_14364274
[3] http://cbs13.com/local/Parents.Accused.Of.2.1504691.html
[4] http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/general-view/archive/2001/may/01/in-defense-of-biblical-chastisement-part-1/
[5] http://www.khsltv.com/content/localnews/story/DA-Deadly-Child-Abuse-Case-Linked-To-Biblical/v9e-rmj-dk6t5b2Dx8U_gA.cspx
vyckie 
Of all the things that happened during my ten years in the Quiverful movement I think that the one thing that caused me the most pain was my inability to bear children. Being infertile in a movement based upon the notion that God grants the righteous a full quiver of arrows led to all sorts of interesting assumptions by people that swore I was their Sister in Christ.
Based upon the ways I was treated because of my fertility challenges I came to realize that my church ‘family’ was as dysfunction and rude as any family featured on a sleazy television talk show.
I’d been an only child, growing up in a large home in south Louisiana. My parents had an arranged marriage, which wasn’t uncommon in Cajun culture of the time. But they could barely tolerate each other long enough to produce me, much less brothers and sisters. As a kid I always wanted brothers or sisters.
My childhood was a lonely one. I spent my time either under the watchful eye of the nuns at school, in my room playing quietly or sitting in the kitchen talking to Mamie, our family maid. There weren’t many kids in the neighborhood.
Those early experiences made me determined to have more than one child, to have at least three or four.
Many years later when my husband and I were baby Christians at Possum Creek Church we only had two children, a daughter of 4 and our son was 7. We’d never really discussed how many kids we wanted but once we were members of PCC we started to absorb some of the ideals bandied about by our new friends.
But the thing that tipped us into embracing the Quiverful was a medical emergency. Our four year old daughter, Laura, ended up in ICU with ITP – idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura. Her body started to routinely kill off her platelets for no known reason. After a few scary bouts where we almost lost our baby the doctors started to tell us that they might have to use chemotherapy to stop her immune system from doing further damage. One doctor advised us to have another child and make sure that the cord blood was banked for future possible use on our daughter.
My husband James and I discussed this. I talked to the ladies of our Thursday morning Bible study about the idea of having another child and they challenged me to allow God to gift us with as many children as He deemed. While James and I didn’t use birth control, we’d never considered allowing God to direct the number of our offspring. I’d figured at some point we’d just decide our family was large enough and we’d stop having kids by artificial methods.
Being that we were both very new Christians we were both excited and pleased to learn that not only were we being lead into the right way pleasing to God but it would benefit our child. James and I were eager to discover the will of God and do it.
What followed wasn’t pleasant. All around me at Possum Creek ladies got pregnant with ease and were delivered of healthy babies while it seemed nothing I did resulted in pregnancy. I fasted, I prayed and I pleaded with God. Was He angry with me? Had I done something unforgivable in my past that kept me from conceiving?
Ten years of frustrations. When I did manage to conceive I would get to the ninth week of pregnancy and miscarry. Over those ten years I became pregnant and lost the baby no less than nine times.
At first my church family members were sympathetic but as time went on I became the target of some rather ugly advice. It started simply when a close friend whispered to me during a fellowship meeting that God told her I’d lost my baby because I would drink an occasional soda and everyone knew that brand caused fetal tissue death. And it all went downhill from there.
For one thing the ‘helpful suggestions’ started to get meaner. Now I wasn’t being advised to use this natural hormone cream or that supplement. From my friend’s comment about having brought this onto myself by my habits I started being picked apart by critical comments. Some began to suggest in prayer that whatever I’d done to bring this barrenness upon myself be revealed to me so I could repent, pray and be healed. After all, God did bless the righteous with many arrows in their quivers so obviously there was something unrighteous about me. It didn’t hit me fully how looked down upon I’d become until a church member referred to me as her ‘heathen buddy who only has two children’ Someone else spread on the prayer list that I had problems related to a past abortion, even though I’d never had an abortion.
Oddly enough, no one dared lay any of the blame for sin or unrighteousness at my husband James feet. This was perceived to be all my doing somehow.
It was like bleeding to death from a million paper cuts. For me that’s what it felt like, like my soul was dying slowly. I cried nearly every single day and forgave over and over again, starting to feel like there really was something wrong with my soul. My daughter Laura says that is the one constant she remembers from those day. That I wept daily and I wept in church before the altar.
The beginning of the end of both my membership in Possum Creek and our attempts to have another child came at Christmas time four years ago. That Christmas morning I had to be taken to the nearest hospital because I was miscarrying for the ninth time. This time hurt so much more, both physically and emotionally, than all the other times. I’d somehow managed to make it to 12 weeks. I’d assumed that since I was past that 9 week danger zone that this baby would be alright.
Four am Christmas morning. Me curled into fetal position, weeping and wailing even as the morphine was kicking in while James was holding me in his arms. He whispered to me, “Enough. This is killing you. We can’t do this anymore.”
It was the first wise sensible thing anyone had to say yet about our reproductive madness. I never really recovered physically from that final miscarriage. Every month came and I bled profusely as my red blood cell count kept dropping. My doctor didn’t seem to be able to do anything to slow down the bleeding or build up my cell count. I became increasing wan and weak, even after a few D&Cs to clean out the bleeding.
Someone that was not a friend sent out a church wide email saying to pray for me because I’d had another abortion. I tried several times to correct this gossip in the guise of prayer without much success.
At this time Possum Creek church had started teaching that there was no illness that Jesus couldn’t cure, in fact, they proclaimed that it was always God’s will to heal. You didn’t get a healing from being prayed for? You didn’t have enough faith. You simply had to have faith.
The more they harped on being healed by your faith, the angrier I became. Every Bible study, worship service and conference became an opportunity for someone in the church to chide me for not having faith enough that God was going to heal me. I was walking in unbelief according to many. My doctor was urging me to have a complete hysterectomy to regain my health.
And I wasn’t the only one being urged to shun modern medical treatment to wait for the Lord’s healing power. During those times two cancer patients in the congregation refused all medical treatment and ended up losing their lives following the church teaching.
After all that I ended up having that hysterectomy and leaving Possum Creek. My doctor told me after the surgery that there was no way I could have carried another child to term because of the scarring.
I should have had that surgery years before. I should have listened to my inner voice. I should have ignored the judgment of the others but I didn’t.
(The name of the church has been changed to protect the identity of the members.)
This article was originally posted on No Longer Quivering.
vyckie 
Andrea and Scott Bass are seen in these undated booking photos provided by the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office. Bass and her husband were arrested Feb. 4 for investigation of child abuse, kidnapping and unlawful imprisonment of his 14-year-old daughter. (AP/Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office)
by KM
You have probably heard the story by now. Scott and Andrea Bass, the Arizona couple who locked a fourteen year old girl in a bathroom without running water for two months and tortured her to the point of starvation? I’m wondering if this is a homeschooling Quiverfull family–and, if so, why the media has not remarked on it yet?
Let me be very clear here: I am not making this leap based merely on reports that the family homeschools. I recognize that it is impossible to generalize that all homeschoolers are Quiverfull fundamentalists, and that there are many viable reasons for homeschooling that have nothing to do with extremist religious ideology. Even though it is well-established that a large percentage of homeschoolers are Christian conservatives (See, for instance, the US Census statistics here), broad strokes about homeschooling are beside the point.
Mostly, I’m wondering about this because the style of “punishment” seems so parallel to so many of the stories of abuse written by ex-Quiverfull women and children. We know from major media outlets that the Bass child was locked in a small bathroom without running water–a small bathroom roughly the shape of a closet. We also know that the Bill Gothard organization–best known for its homeschooling wing, the Advanced Training Institutes of America (ATIA)–routinely generates survivor stories about people who are locked in what followers call the prayer closet. Besides the prayer closet, it’s well-known that Bill Gothard actively promotes other forms of Bible-based child abuse.
When I was thirteen, some family friends dragged me to a Bill Gothard Seminar in Basic Life Principles, and I remember being terrified by the prospect of the “prayer closet.” Given the horrific stories about how it has been used as a mechanism of abuse, I think my terror was fairly well-justified. Further, it would not surprised me if the Bass family conceived of their torture chamber as an amped up sort of prayer closet.
Beyond this, though, the girl says that part of her torture involved beatings with metal rods. Metal rods could not elude Child Protective Serivices, but Christian Fundamentalist literature abounds with tips about how parents may abuse children without being detected by the police. Debi Pearl, a relatively “mainstream” Quiverfull activist offers this lovely tidbit (h/t Daily Kos):
As a rule, do not use your hand. Hands are for loving and helping. If an adult swings his or her hand fast enough to cause pain to the surface of the skin, there is a danger of damaging bones and joints. The most painful nerves are just under the surface of the skin. A swift swat with a light, flexible instrument will sting without bruising or causing internal damage. Many people are using a section of ¼ inch plumber’s supply line as a spanking instrument. It will fit in your purse or hang around you neck. You can buy them for under $1.00 at Home Depot or any hardware store. They come cheaper by the dozen and can be widely distributed in every room and vehicle. Just the high profile of their accessibility keeps the kids in line.
From the various reading that I’ve done on the subject, I know that beatings with various kinds of rods are not uncommon among Quiverfull families. And, so… I’m still wondering… Are Scott and Andrea Bass isolated cases of the abusive personality? Or are they, rather, adherents of an orthodoxy that seems to systematically lead to certain types of abuse?
It’s possible that my assumptions here have no factual basis in truth. But if this is a Quiverfull family (And several specific facts of this case suggest that it may be.), I think the mainstream media needs to kill its blackout on the subject and name this for what it is: one more case of Quiverfull-encouraged religious abuse. I know that this isn’t a high traffic blog, but I do want to throw the question out there to people who may know more about the subculture than I do: Is the Bass family a Quiverfull family? Do the parallels between their methods of abuse and the Gothard-sanctioned methods seem uncanny to anyone else out there? Anyone?
Update: More clues have surfaced that continue to point, at minimum, to this family’s involvement in Christian fundamentalism. According to Arizona Family, Andrea Bass has a long history of religiously-motivated child abuse:
Court paperwork shows that Andrea Bass, 31, has a history of domestic violence and kidnapping. According to that paperwork, Child Protective Services in California removed children after the alleged exorcism of a child and a child who was kept outside the home for months. Police said Andrea Bass told them she had 15 prior reports with Child Protective Services…
According to court paperwork, this is not the first time the teen has been locked up. She told police that when her family lived in an apartment in Glendale, she was forced to sleep outside on the patio for months. She also said she was locked in a bathroom for a week and in a closet for a week. Police said Andrea Bass admitted to locking the girl in the bathroom and closet at that apartment, as well as locking her outside for a week during the summer.”
In related news, the recent death of a child in California was orchestrated in ways eerily reminiscent of what we are learning about allegations against Scott and Andrea Bass.
(h/t Jennie and dangermom at at the No Longer Quivering Forum)
KM blogs about Christian fundamentalism and various other things that infuriate her as She Keeps Bees.
This article was originally posted at She Keeps Bees and No Longer Quivering.
vyckie Why Michelle Duggar can’t say, “We’re done!”
“We’ll just wait and see what God has in store.” ~ Michelle Duggar, People, Feb. 8, 2010
As a former Quiverfull mom of seven, I’ve had such a variety of birth experiences ~ emergency c-sections, scheduled repeat c-sections, failed homebirth attempt, successful homebirth (after four cesareans!), hospital VBAC, and with my last birth ~ which I had planned to have unassisted at home, I ended up with a 5th c-section due to partial uterine rupture.
My complicated birthing history made living out the Quiverfull ideal of “leaving my fertility in the Lord’s hands” all the more challenging ~ and one of the toughest things for me to handle was all the well-meaning friends, family, and complete strangers who looked at what I’d already been through physically and asked the obvious question:
“Aren’t you done yet?!!!!”
This is the question everyone’s asking Mama Duggar of “19 Kids and Counting” – TLC fame. And Michelle’s response in the current issue of People Magazine ~ “We’ll just wait and see what God has in store” ~ is exactly how I used to answer the concerned questioners too.
At one point, my own mother stood at the foot of my hospital bed and, with tears rolling down her cheeks, begged me not to get pregnant again. “This is too hard on you, Vyckie. What about the children you already have? You need to be alive and healthy to take care of them!!”
Despite the pain and misery I suffered ~ not to mention the very real danger to myself and my children ~ I had three more babies.
After the partial uterine rupture, it seemed so obvious to everyone that I ought to be done for sure. How many times did I hear: Surely God will let you off the hook now ~ He would want you to protect your health to ensure that you’ll be around to care for the seven already-born children He has blessed you with?
“Seems to me that God’s made it very clear what He wants,” quipped the baby doctor the morning after I’d nearly left Warren a widowed father of six children here on earth and one with me in heaven.
Well ~ it certainly was not clear to me. I still had a uterus, after all. If God didn’t want me to use it, why didn’t He guide the hands of the surgeon to give me a hysterectomy?
You see, once a woman’s mind grasps the concept of “trusting the Lord” with her reproductive life ~ absolutely nothing is ever simple or obvious again. The Quiverfull philosophy is an alluring and powerful spell ~ and the woman so enchanted feels the euphoria of the “Big Happy Family,” she is seduced by a vision of chivalrous men and genteel ladies, tempted by the promise of God’s protection and provision, and she knows the sheer ecstasy of inhaling deeply the ambrosial smell of yet another newborn.
So it’s no surprise that despite preeclampsia, gallstones, and a micro-preemie baby, Michelle’s still determined to leave it up to God whether there’ll be a twentieth Duggar baby or not. That she ought to stop now is glaringly obvious to everyone but Michelle and the Quiverfullers who are similarly beguiled. Having been there and done that (got pregnant twice again after the partial uterine rupture), I’m inclined to go easy on the lady. I think Michelle is doing her best to live consistently according to the worldview of her firmly held Christian beliefs.
But I’m not backing off on my efforts here at NLQ to expose the delusion which has Michelle so captivated that she’s continuing to take unneccesary and irresponsible risks. Bill Gothard, whose “biblical family values” have strongly influenced the Duggars, has never been married and has no children. This man, along with other Quiverfull leaders such as Doug Phillips, Doug Wilson, Voddie Baucham, etc. need to be held accountable for the teachings they are calling “biblical” ~ teachings that trap women in a mental headspace in which common sense and gut feelings are to be distrusted and ignored.
That’s what we’re doing here at No Longer Quivering ~ exposing the teachings and calling the teachers to account for the devastation the Quiverfull philosophy has wreaked upon countless faithful, godly families. Through our Take Heart Project, we are here for disenchanted women for whom the overwhelmingly harsh, demanding, and soul-destroying reality of “trusting God” with their family planning finally breaks the spell and rouses them from the Quiverfull dreamland.
vyckie 
I’ve skipped church four Sundays in a row now and I’m feeling slightly guilty. It’s freezing-ass cold here in Nebraska, and I just have been too lazy to scoop the driveway and drag myself and all my kids out in sub-zero temps. Considering that I stopped believing in God over two years ago, it seems rather weird that I still spend my Sunday mornings attending the local Salvation Army worship services.
So why don’t I just quit going?
I didn’t leave Christianity because of any failure of the people. For the most part, I found the Christians I knew to be sincere, generous and supportive. Misguided and unrealistic, maybe – but hey, that was me too.
It was the Bible and Christian doctrine which I finally recognized as ridiculous and even abusive. Through the years, I had become more and more fundamentalist in my beliefs and practices. My diligent study of the scriptures led me to adopt the strict gender roles and patriarchal family model of the Quiverfull movement as God’s perfect will for godly men and women. I accepted all the pregnancies which the Lord chose to bless me with, homeschooled my children and “dared to shelter” them from ungodly influences of the world, and for over a decade I obediently submitted to the “head” of our home: my controlling and abusive husband.
It was a stressful and unsustainable lifestyle which led to near breakdown for me – and a suicide attempt for my oldest daughter.
When I first deconverted, I continued to go to church because the pastor had been especially supportive during the ugly custody battle when I filed for divorce.
About six months after the divorce, the pastor was transferred and the church got a new husband / wife team - Salvation Army officers, Lieutenants Heather & Xavier. I had decided to continue going to church through the summer so that the kids could go to the camps (sports, music, and adventure camps) for free. But I decided to be upfront with Heather and let her know right away that I don’t believe in Christianity anymore. (I knew I had to say something before they tried to recruit me to teach the kids’ Sunday School – wouldn’t that be a hoot?!)
At first, she didn’t believe that I seriously don’t believe – but we really hit it off and became friends fairly quickly. We go out for coffee or lunch together at least once a week. We’ve been doing this for about a year and a half now and it didn’t take long for me to say what I had to say about my unbelief and her to say what she had to say – and now it doesn’t really come up much in our conversation. Not that we’re avoiding it – just that we’ve kind of moved past that and just enjoy our friendship. We have a lot in common and so there’s always plenty to talk about.
Heather is the sort of Christian whom, in my fundie days, I’d have considered a shallow, “feel good” believer. She loves Jesus and is committed to serving Him, yes – but she is not a strict fundamentalist and doesn’t take every word of the Bible literally.
I asked Heather once what it means to her that, as Paul says, the man is the head of the home. Does that mean Xavier gets to make the final decision whenever you two can’t come to an agreement on a particular issue? “No,” she responded. She paused to think about it for a minute, and then told me, “I guess I don’t really know what it means.” I appreciate her honesty.
I also appreciate that as Salvation Army officers, my pastors are truly the “roll-up-their-sleeves-and-get-the-job-done” type of Christians. If they must say a prayer as they distribute food, clothing, school supplies, etc. to the needy – so be it. If they give a little Bible study as they’re opening up the mobile canteen – that does not offend me. Lieutenants Heather & Xavier will soon be leaving for Haiti to assist in doing what the Salvation Army does in emergency situations. Better they do that, than waste time writing up a sermon to explain all the whys and wherefores of the disaster as it relates to God and the Bible.
At first, continuing to go to church was sort of a confirmation for me that I really didn’t believe any of it any more. All at once, it all seemed so twisted to me that I thought, “I must have misunderstood what they are teaching. Surely, no-one really believes this?” So I’d go to church and listen carefully, and sure enough – that’s exactly what they’re teaching. It helped me to feel confident that what I don’t believe isn’t just a straw man – some wacko God that only I believed in while other Christians have a more “balanced” view of the bible, Jesus, etc.
So initially church was still interesting enough – but now I’m to the point that it is literally physically and mentally painful for me to make it through the morning service. I can’t “in good conscience” participate – which makes it a frustrating and awkward experience. The words to the songs are sick and mortifying. Praise and worship used to be my favorite thing because I love music, and praise just comes so easily for me. So I want to sing and dance – but I don’t want to sing about what a worm I am or how thankful I am for Jesus’ shed blood, etc. A lot of the Salvation Army songs include “battle” language which makes me cringe. So that’s something to be endured. Prayer time is tricky too. They take prayer requests from the congregation and I never raise my hand. When it’s time to pray, I don’t bow my head or close my eyes.
Anyway, I’m still going to church because that’s where my social life is (mostly). I love the people there – and I really like Hearther. There’s always lunch in the “Sally Ann” soup kitchen after church and that’s when I have a truly fun and enjoyable time visiting with all my down-on-their-luck friends. There are also other activities that we do together which the children and I like: picnics, movie night, etc. It is getting more uncomfortable for me all the time. Xavier is certain that this is because I’m feeling the conviction of the Holy Spirit – which is truthfully, horseshit.
Lately though, I’ve been thinking that there’s another reason why I still go to church and might continue for some time to come. As an ex-Christian, I sometimes feel like the lame, half-witted child which a nice respectable family might want to tuck quietly away in a distant care facility to avoid the embarrassment of having to explain how their well-bred DNA could result in such a deformed, mutated offspring.
On my No Longer Quivering blog, I have been fairly vocal about the family-destroying Quiverfull teachings – which, I maintain, is nothing more than basic Christian doctrine lived out to its logical conclusions. And it often seems to me that Christians would prefer that I would just quietly disappear – stay home on Sundays and pretend that it was all a bad dream.
But I haven’t gone away. Which means they still have to think about me – have to explain me.
They see me, they know me – I am a real person – same as them.
For their part, Heather & Xavier have been thoughtful and gracious. Despite my “defects” of divorce, loss of faith, etc., they still claim me and do not dismiss my experience by arguing that I was never really a True Christian. They are careful that in their teachings, they do not promulgate the patriarchal set-up which has devastated countless marital relationships through the centuries (mine included) – even if it means they have to ignore or torturously “reinterpret” the bible verses which historically have been used to support such sexism.
Conversely, remaining in close contact with practicing Christians helps me to remember that they do what they’re doing for all the same reasons that used to motivate me too: a sincere heart and genuine desire to love the Lord and to love their neighbors. This keeps me from building up a caricature of “Christian people” in my own mind whom I must fight against and expose as deluded and hypocritical.
I see them, I know them – they are real people – same as me.
So when I write or speak about the evils of Christian fundamentalism and biblical literalism, I’m talking about words, ideas, beliefs, thoughts which affect and influence the flesh-and-blood people who listen to these abstractions and take them to heart. The people themselves – they’re just like me; eager to know the truth and to do right.
Does this make sense? Or am I, in true fundamentalist fashion, twisting my brain in knots in an effort to justify something obviously and utterly ridiculous? Perhaps what I need is an Atheist Churchgoers’ 12-Step recovery group:
Hi. My name is Vyckie. I am an atheist and I go to church.
