Please note, this video is parody and edited!
House Oversight Committee Chairman, master car thief and general criminal Darrell Issa held a hearing today on the Obama administration’s new regulation requiring employers and insurers to provide contraception coverage to their employees. Claiming that the the hearing was "not about reproductive rights and contraception but instead about the Administration’s actions as they relate to freedom of religion and conscience," Issa barred a progressive woman from testifying, as that would have ruined the all male conservative religious anti-Obama motif he was going for. This led three democrats to walk out of the house (which must have been extra hard, because their panties were all up in a bunch). But I watched the hearing. And here are some thoughts. 1. I guess I should give the GOP props for voting against the Violence Against Women Act, since it would be hypocritical to condemn violence against women, while at the same time advocating ultrasound rape. 2. This is a really beautiful image of small government and big family values. 3. I'm really glad women aren't allowed to testify at this hearing, which is about their bodies. It's a dangerously slippery slope and I think we all know what comes next: box turtles are allowed to testify. It's also really hard to be objective and have a vagina at the same time. 4. Rep James Lankford should recuse himself from abortion discussions, as he, himself, is a fetus. 5. Given what men of the cloth are known to do in this position, I'm kind of relieved when a clergy member testifies that he gets on his knees every morning and prays for the president. 6. Joe Walsh shouldn't be speaking or even here. He has way overdue child support to pay. 7. An objective Darrell Issa throws the panel a real hard ball and asks them, "do you think this hearing was a sham?" 8. That hearing was good, but having Fred Phelps there would have made it even better. 9. That hearing was good, but having it in Salem in the 17th century woud have made it even better. 10. I'm holding a hearing in which an all female panel will testify for weekly colonoscopies performed on the male clergy and GOP members who participated in today's hearing. We will also discuss Virginia State Sen. Janet Howell's amendment requiring men to have a rectal exam and a cardiac stress test before obtaining a prescription for erectile dysfunction medication.
  1. Michele Bachmann reveals her mother was a very resourceful lesbian who found a girlfriend right after her divorce: "My folks got divorced and my mom found herself a single mom with four kids."
  2. Rick Perry concentrates and squints as he tries to understand what Mitt Romney is saying, as if he'll be able to look through Romney's skull and see his ideas if he looks hard enough.
  3. In what she hopes to be a historic moment, Michele Bachmann patents her "Newt [five-second pause] Romney" term. If Romney and Gingrich could indeed create a hybrid baby, I assume it would be a fickle orange Michelin Man with a severe side part.
  4. Perry suggests he's in a polyamorous relationship with his wife and God: "I didn't make an oath just to my wife...I made an oath to God when I married my wife."
  5. The typically over-the top praise of Israel suggests debate was co-sponsored not by Yahoo but by Netanyahu.
  6. Michele Bachmann's statement that she won't rest until Obamacare is repealed explains a lot about her presentation.
  7. Mitt Romney appears to be have a herpes cold sore.
  8. Rick Perry manages to get through an entire debate without falling asleep, acting like he's on laughing guess, making up names, or forgetting his own campaign ideas.
  9. Romney tries to look more down to earth by betting Rick Perry $10,000 instead of $10 million, his usual go-to wager.
  10. Michele Bachmann comes out as a Christian: "I am a Christian and I am unashamed and unapologetic about that." It's unclear where she finds the courage to speak openly about being a Christian as she stands with five other Christians, as they compete to become the 45th Christian President.
Nothing says fun and festive like the Heritage Foundation, which sponsored Tuesday night's CNN GOP Obama-bash fest. But despite all the good feeling flowing about bombing Iranians and expelling Mexicans, the event lacked the warm fuzzy feeling that oozed out of last Saturday's Family Leader Thanksgiving debate. Since the liberal media refused to show this tender face of the GOP on national television (the event was only streamed on-line), most Americans missed out. Specifically, they were deprived of

1) A lovely Thanksgiving spread replete with pumpkins, gourds, and what looked like some sort of Thanksgiving Nativity.

2) The tears of tough, law and order candidates whose sympathy has been understandably depleted and spent on themselves.

3) Frank Luntz's incredible performance as a Christian. Luntz, a Jew, moderated the event -- in which Christian candidates, seated at a table in a church, waxed poetic on their Christian faith, recounted finding Jesus, and lamented those who hadn't -- as if he'd spenthis entire life going to Church and not synagogue. Luntz himself is quick to judge other Jews, telling, for example, liberal Jewish American parents "You have let your children down. By your religious liberalism, you have done more to destroy a religion than any suicide bomber, any politician or anyone filled with hate ever could. Shame on you." But I guess passing as a Christian and enabling Christians who consider Jews, at best, "imperfect", is kosher in Luntz's reading of the Torah.

4) Michele Bachmann "submitting to/ respecting" the men by walking around the table and serving each of the a glass of water.

5) Christian rockers David Bush & Michael O'Brien's incredibly moving "(Jesus, We Need You) More than Ever" music video, which was screened before the debate and set a wonderfully Christian tone. The song is brilliant in form and content, opening with a snippet of "America the Beautiful" done in the "Penny for Your Thoughts" musical style featured in Waiting for Guffman.

The good news is that you and your family can spend Thanksgiving watching the Thanksgiving-themed debate. It's the perfect family activity.

The "More than Ever" video will surely be the entertainment center-piece of your holiday gathering, but it will be the moral center-piece as well, informed as it is by the teachings of Jesus Christ. In the tradition of Christian parables, the video refuses to hit viewers on the head with its meanings or spoon feed its messages. Rather, it challenges the viewer with to analyze and deconstruct it. To help friends and family and yourself get the most of the subtle work of art, I present the following viewing guide. The words in italics are the lyrics of the song, which are visually featured during the video, to re-enforce the urgent message. This was an aesthetic choice, and in no way an endorsement of closed captioning or the Americans with Disabilities Act, both of which coddle our disabled, (who would otherwise most likely grow out of their disabilities) and make us less free and less safe! The words In plain font describe the images that accompany the lyrics.

Print out copies for your guests to help them capture the depth, nuance and beauty of what is sure to become an American classic.

[instrumental opening to America the Beautiful" and pan up on rugged patchwork quilt of images featuring words "More than Ever," an image of David Bush and Michael O Brien, and text saying "David Bush" and "Michael Brien" suggesting to the viewer that these two men are responsible for the song you are about to enjoy which is called "More than Ever". The particular image of David Bush emphasizes his resemblance to John Ashcroft, another gifted Christian singer and songwriter ]

fade in text* A land without a conscience
cross fade to a shot of a littered street, suggesting that we live in a world in which people don't have the conscience required to put things in a trash can.

A world without a soul
An image of a poster of Chinese Communist and shirt fashion inspirer Mao Zedong, suggesting the soullessness that characterizes the atheist Marxist dictatorships of Chairman Mao and "President" Obama.

Can never hope to prosper
An image of a dry crop, suggesting a lack of prospering, lack of growth, lack of life, lack of fecundity. Also suggesting a lack of hope
of prospering, growth etc. The image makes the viewer long for the fertile, prosperous times of yore, when cotton plants were a'bloomin', and a'ripe for a'pickin', and all people, black and white, owner and owned, whole person and 3/5ths, shared (in some way or another) hope and prosperity.

Can only pay a toll
An image of a store front with a "S
orry, we're closed sign" and a gate suggesting that the store is both closed and sorry to be in said closed state. This suggests a bad economy and the fact that we are paying a price even though, ironically, we are unable to pay for anything since when a store is closed there is nothing you can pay for. And even if the store were stocked, it would be closed and impossible to open. Very meta.

We've lost our sense of justice
An image of Lady Justice. The video is more overt here, since the viewer needs a break from decoding the past 4 images.]

What can we do or say
An image of Supreme Court. This suggests the theme of Justice reflected above. This is for anyone who missed the above, either because they went to the bathroom or don't recognize Lady Justice, who, for good reason and under John Ashcroft's watchful eye, is less visible than she used to be.

Jesus, we need You more than ever
An image of an inter-racial crowd of people walking down the street. Some of the faces are blurry, all are sad or Maoistly soul-less, suggesting our blurred identities, confusion, and just how much we need Jesus.

An image of a white yet sultry and exotic young woman, maybe even Italian, with tears running down her cheek. Her eye make up slightly smeared probably because she was tarted up and thus provoked some kind of attack. Her tears suggest urgency and how we need Jesus not next week, not tomorrow... but... today!.

Come be my King
An image of a silhouette of a man praying at a huge cross who may or may not be Tim Tebow, suggesting how we "bow" (get it?) to our King, the lord Jesus Christ.

And heal a land
An image of an icy window across which it is written "Trust Jesus" presumable by some one's finger, suggesting that if we trust Jesus we will be healed and if we have lost mobility in our hand or are illiterate, Jesus will heal us and allow us to move our hand and write things like "trust Jesus."

that lives in darkness
A sad woman sits in the forefront with a mardi gras scene in the background suggesting that mardi gras (which was one of the factors -- if not THE cause -- responsible for Hurricane Katrina), as well as other rainbow-themed events, such as pride parades, bring with them sadness and darkness.

And turns from Your command
Two pretty women holding red roses are getting married by a woman-priest. The red roses suggest the sinful lost motivating the gays to marry and the bloodshed that God is sure to visit upon them because they have turned from his command.

Come turn our hearts to you
a little child praying suggesting this as a possible turning-our-hearts-to-Jesus activity.

a light that never fades away
A lighthouse suggesting a house that emits light. This light will never fade away.

Oh Jesus we need you more than ever today
a sad woman sits on a bench with her face in her hand. Unlike the tarted up woman from earlier in the video, this woman is dressed conservatively and she is wearing a wedding ring, suggesting that she is not a whore but a baby killer. This baby killer is upset and she needs Jesus really bad.

A calling to repentance
A man holding a holy bible up in the air suggesting that he is, in fact, calling to repentance

Is hard to realize
a man is covering his ears suggesting that he is in a state in which it is hard to realize something, or anything, quite frankly, because he literally CANNOT hear and hearing something is required for realizing something!

when every man's behavior Is right in his own eyes
and image of Jack Kavorkian followed by an image of Ben Bernanke suggesting that Bernanke and Kevorkian-- two men who see their own behavior as right even though their behavior, killing
people in one case, regulating the federal reserve in another -- are equally heinous and sinful. It is for this reason that Newt Gingrich
takes the more moderate position that Bernanke should
be arrested, while a more extreme Perry suggests that Bernanke be tried for treason and, for his own safety, never come to Texas.

[In the interest of time and pedagogy, I leave the rest of the video to you and your guests. By now you should be able to deconstruct the video's meaning. Some images, like a man on his knees, and a building which says CHRISTIAN CHURCH should be easy or easier by now. But the following image is especially challenging, so I'll take the liberty of helping you break it down.]

.... turns from your command
boy on laptop suggesting he is turning from Jesus. This is somewhat open ended or ambiguous and lends itself to various interpretations, encouraging the viewer to imagine various ways this young man is sinning. This is an opportunity to get creative and outside the box. What could the boy be doing? How, exactly is he turning from Jesus? Perhaps the boy is playing on the computer instead of doing his homework and thus committing the sin of sloth. Perhaps he is playing online poker and being greedy, committing another sin. Perhaps he is violating one of the Commandments and online chatting with his neighbor's wife. Maybe is in a gay chat room or watching an online porno.

Why wait until Christmas (Frank, that's Christian speak for Chanukah) to celebrate the birth of our lord. Why not take the opportunity to turn to Him now. Because, like the song says, we need him more than ever... today. On Thanksgiving and every day, bow your head in thanks that we live in a Christian nation, whose values are unsullied by the Enlightenment and other modernistic perversions of faith.

*fade ins and cross fades used in every transition.

It's not easy to speak truth to power or long-form birth certificates. But Rick Perry is up for the challenge. Last week, when he was asked if he believed the president's birth certificate was real, Perry responded, ""Well, I don't have a definitive answer... I don't know." Perry substantiated his doubt by citing scholar and intellectual heavy weight Donald Trump: "I had dinner with Donald Trump the other night... That came up... He doesn't think it's real."

Hallelujah ! We are witnessing... a revival... a reawakening... a renaissance... a rebirth of birtherism! Birtherism is being reborn. We are living a rebirtherism. And it is a fun rebirth! Perry himself explained this week that "It's fun to -- to poke... him a little bit and say, 'Hey, how about -- let's see your grades and your birth certificate.'" Let the good times roll!

Like birthers, these rebirthers are dismissed as using smear tactics. But people like Perry and Trump are the midwives of freedom, delivering a rebirth of birtherism, helping birtherism re-rear its beautiful head. The only thing these rebithers are smearing is a placenta of patriotism, all over the country.

Birthers are marginalized as racists. But when it comes to Perry and Trump, race-card dealers are barking up the wrong and totally not racist tree. Just ask Donald Trump, who is keenly aware of his excellent rapport with black people: "I have a great relationship with the blacks. I've always had a great relationship with the blacks." He's so down with black people, he gets to call them "the blacks." Though he can't make the claim that some of his best friends are black, Trump can state that some of the people with who he has and has had a great relationship are black. And if that's not proof of non-racism, I don't know what is. Rick Perry's relationship with "the blacks" blows Trump's out of the (Wade in the*) water! Only a man with a lot of black friends gets away with calling his hunting camp "N*^#&$ Head Rock"! This guy has cred! And though he's too modest to say it, Perry has a very special relationship with "the blacks," and offers them that special southern hospitality; he provides them with shelter, food, routine and structure as they await their executions! Of the 321 people on death row in Texas, 126 are black. That's 41%, even though African Americans make up 11.8% of the population of Texas! Perry makes sure the blacks, disenfranchised and under-represented in so many ways for so long, are finally over-represented on death row.

*Some of my favorite songs are black!

1. Newt Gingrich proclaims: "I'm a hawk. But I'm a cheap hawk." Just like I like my men: aggressive and ungenerous. I'm actually surprised he hasn't had MORE wives.

2. Michele Bachmann vows "I will build a double-walled fence." It is unclear whether she moonlights in construction or will have her 23 children build the fence.

3. Rick Perry uses the Palinist method, ignoring the question he's asked, answering the question he would like to ask and telling Anderson Cooper, "You get to ask the questions, I get to answer like I want to."

4. Anderson Cooper either forgets who is talking to or actually thinks the following distinction will not be lost on Perry, replying, "That's actually a response, that's not an answer, but go ahead."

5. Michele Bachmann says "We need to listen to Ronald Reagan. No pastels. We need bold colors." Actually, that was her husband.

6. Cain stands by his statement "Don't blame Wall Street, don't blame the big banks. If you don't have a job, and you're not rich, blame yourself." Receives a loud and extended applause usually reserved for an impressive number of executions and letting sick people die.

7. Newt Gingrich insists on the importance of a candidate's religion: "how can you have judgment if you have no faith? And how can I trust you with power if you don't pray?" Nice to know that he and Ahmadinejad see theocratic eye to theocratic eye on that one.

8. Comparing himself to Mitt Romney, Cain says, "his business executive experience has been more Wall Street- oriented; mine has been more Main Street." I would have said "more thin-crusted."

9. Anderson Cooper cites Baptist pastor who called Mormonism "a cult." Audience boos, though it's unclear whether they are booing the statement or whether they are booing the religion itself. Mormonism may have been the gay solider of the night.

10. Post Debate CNN panel includes Ari Fleischer. Apparently no other war crimes-enabling liars were available.

Rick Perry’s record number of executions drew applause at last week’s GOP debate. Among the 234– whoops, make that 235 as of today, it’s hard to keep up– killed under Perry was Cameron ToddWillingham, who received the death penalty for killing his three daughters by arson. Right before the execution, it was revealed that the science on which Willingham’s conviction was based was bogus. Perry ignored the revelation, executed Willingham, and then covered it up.  While the state of Texas rates number one in number of executions, Georgia is a close seven and even has its own executions of innocents under its belt! Georgia is gearing up to kill another one, Troy Davis. Davis has been on death row for 20 years for the 1989 murder of a Savannah police officer. The case against him rested on witness testimony but seven of nine key witnesses have recanted or changed their testimony, some alleging police coercion. Today is the Global Day of Action for Troy Davis. to help stop the execution of Troy Davis. In solidarity with the major march and vigil happening in Atlanta, more than 300 events are being held worldwide today and this weekend. Find one near you here and then sign this petition!
In quoting Einstein, Mitch McConnell alienates teaparty base, skeptical of science and "the whole Jew thing." McConnell was able to read into the future and predict the insanity of the president's speech, saying, "What is surprising is the president's apparent determination to apply the same government-driven policies that have already been tried and failed. The definition of insanity, as Albert Einstein once famously put it, is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. Frankly, I can't think of a better description of anyone who thinks the solution to this problem is another stimulus. The first stimulus didn't do it. Why would another one?" McConnell was also able to travel back in time and make the stimulus not work. Boehner and his fellow Republicans refuse to applaud Obama's radical socialist statement that "Every child deserves a great school." And while they differ on policy, Obama, Boehner and Biden have conference call before joint session to coordinate pastel ties. 2011-09-09-tiescopy.jpgNew Mexico Governor says "Do as I say, not as my grandparents did." Republican Susana Martinez has tried to repeal the law allowing undocumented workers to have drivers licenses and opposed the dream act, saying "It is not comprehensive reform to put people who are here illegally, who violated the law, and put them in front of the line for those folks who have been waiting and doing all the right things to come to the United States, to come here legally, and/or to become a citizen. We cannot allow those folks to just jump the line." I guess Martinez would "grandfather in" her own grandfather since, as she just revealed in an interview on Spanish television, her grandparents "arrived without documents, especially my father's father." Joe Walsh Boycotts president's speech & reads it and projects it on a big screen instead. Refusing to be a political prop, Walsh, the deadbeat dad who owes his ex-wife over $100,000 in child support and lecture the president on spending, set up a small-business forum last night. The Daily Herald reports that "While people watched the speech live on a large screen in the center's auditorium, Walsh was sequestered in an anteroom, where he later said he was reading a copy of Obama's remarks. Moments after Obama ended his speech, Walsh emerged and spoke to the media outside the building." Viewers of GOP debate confused by homoerotic tension between anti-marriage equality nominees Rick Perry and Mitt Romney. Perry and Romney have signed the National Organization for Marriage (NOM) pledge, vowing that if elected they would push for a federal same-sex-marriage ban, nominate strict Constitutionalist judges, defend DOMA and investigate the "harassment" of traditional marriage advocates. Yet it was undeniable that political and sexual tension were in the air between the two strapping tanned governors.
I doubt that any members of the Congressional Black Caucus got any sleep last night. I'm sure they were tossing and turning, sick with worry and regret, trembling in fear over Allen West's threat to leave the caucus. What could possible make West want to break ranks with colleagues he respectfully and lovingly likens to overseers? Apparently, West was disturbed by comments by CBC members like Andre Carson, who said “some of them in Congress right now of this tea party movement would love to see you and me ... hanging on a tree.” Chairman Emanuel Cleaver must have had the fear of death in him when he read West's ultimatum. West urged Cleaver to "condem" and "disassociate the Congressional Black Caucus" from the "hate filled comments." "Otherwise" wrote West "I will have to seriously reconsider my membership within the organization.” Grounding his decision in the wise words of President Obama, whom he respectfully and lovingly calls "the dumbest person walking around in America right now" West explained "we heard the president talk about some of this over-the-top rhetoric and we should move away from that.” I seriously hope the CBC changes its oh so hateful tune and adopts, instead, the rational, moderate and not at all over the top voice spoken by Allen West. Here are the 10 of the countless Allen Westisms the CBC should emulate.
1.  on Obama: West calls Obama "the dumbest person walking around in America right now," and says "I can't stand the guy. I absolutely can't stand him." Referring to a speech by Obama, West said "What you continue to see is a third world dictator-like arrogance... I'm starting to believe that a community organizer is nothing but a low-level socialist agitator." 2. on fellow Representative Keith Ellison: West said the Minnesota Congressman, who is Muslim, represents the "antithesis of the principles upon which this country was established." 3. on Debbie Wasserman Shulz: West emailed his fellow Florida Representative, "You are the most vile, unprofessional and despicable member of the U.S. House of Representatives. If you have something to say to me, stop being a coward and say it to my face, otherwise, shut the heck up." He added that she was "not a lady" and "shall not be afforded due respect from me!" West CC'd House Leaders on the email so they would be aware of the Congresswoman's "heinous characterless behavior." 4. on Obama supporters: "I must confess, when I see anyone with an Obama 2012 bumper sticker, I recognize them as a threat to the gene pool."
5. on Islam: West said: "A nation goes to war against an ideology.... we are against something that is a totalitarian theocratic political ideology and it is called Islam."
6. on his critics: after the Florida Newspaper The New Times criticzed West for violating violateing U.S. federal law by flying an American flag underwater, he called the newspaper "idiot Liberals," "delusional dummies," and "a bunch of losers." 7. on women: " The women in our campaign printed up t-shirts that said "Women for West.".... to let these other women know, on the other side, these Planned Parenthood women, the Code Pink women, and all of these women who have been neutering American men and bringing us to the point of this incredible weakness, to let them know that we are not going to have our men become subservient." West also called Code Pink "losers" and "Code Yellow, as in cowards, for you are nothing more than a group of misguided partisan sycophants devoid of principle, integrity, and character." 8. on Black Democrat leaders: West called Back Democrats including CBC member Maxine Waters: “overseers of this 21st-Century plantation,” meant to “pacify and keep the black community firmly behind [white liberals]...."
9. On himself: Allen West showed some love towards himself with this totally not
over the top statement: “I’m here as the modern-day Harriet Tubman, to kind of lead people on the Underground Railroad, away from that plantation into a sense of sensibility.” It turns out West sent his own unemployed brother to a jobs fair held by the very overseers he criticizes, which means he sent his own brother to find work on a "plantation." I guess his underground railroad goes in reverse. In all fairness, it must be confusing for Allen given that he calls "Plantation" home. He literally lives in the town of "Plantation", Florida, whose motto is "The Grass is Always Greener."
10. On Yehiya Hamoodi, the Iraqi detainee West had beaten, tortured, and shot at: "In my anger, I couldn't remember how many shots were fired." Also, West joked, "It wasn't torture. Seeing Rosie O'Donnell naked would be torture." West was fined for his treatment of the prisoner, and even admits "It's possible I was wrong about Mr Hamoodi" but he would do it again!