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Terrified Right-Winger: Taliban Have Sharks with Lasers Attached to Their Heads!

I read Sadly, No! because they read dim-bulbs like "Gateway Pundit" Jim Hoft, thus freeing me from the task. Here's Hoft's latest terror, via Tintin:
The Taliban is reportedly training monkeys to shoot American soldiers. Dallas Blog reported:
If President Barack Obama withdraws from the war in Afghanistan, he would be the first commander-in-chief in American history to surrender to an army of monkeys; and we’re not talking about fighting the ‘Planet of the Apes.’ The Taliban in Afghanistan has just gotten into the ‘monkey business’ of training primates to attack U.S. soldiers, according to [an unnamed] British-based media agency. The People’s Daily of China reports that, “reporters from the media agency spotted and took photos of a few ‘monkey soldiers’ holding AK-47 rifles and Bren light machine guns in the Waziristan tribal region near the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan. The report and photos have been widely spread by media agencies and Web sites across the world.”
Tintin shortens Hoft's breathless report to: "I’ll believe absolutely anything." That's accurate, but it's certainly possible that this dubiously sourced story is true as far as it goes -- a monkey may have been photographed with a gun in Pakistan. That this should influence the foreign policy of the United States, however, is a more tenuous proposition. Anyway, it reminds me of two great cinematic moments. First, a scene from Dr. Strangelove. We must not allow a mineshaft gap! And then, obviously, the inspiration for my title ... ill-tempered mutant sea-bass with lasers attached to their heads...