7 Things You Can Buy in Blackwater’s Gift Shop (Yes, They Have a Gift Shop Now)

Blackwater/Xe already operates several U.S. resorts and theme parks. Now they’re embarking on a new commercial venture: “Blackwater ProShops,” retail stores set to open in Connecticut and North Carolina offering everything from mouse pads to lube for your giant gun, all stamped with the Blackwater logo (”Xe” was too cuddly).

Even more good news: some of their wares are already available online. Here are a few items that you can purchase to start your own mercenary army:

1. This mousepad, which proves that killing is exactly like a video game:

2. This poster of a glorious, heroic bear battling an angry cloud. It instantly gives the owner’s life meaning and direction.

(In case you can’t read the inspirational tagline, here’s what it says: “When dark evil strides across the land, and even noble hearts shrink in fear, there are always warriors of pure spirit who take up the sword and stand their ground.”) Has a more apt description of Blackwater ever been penned?

3. This dainty pink Blackwater hat. That’s for chicks.

4. A DVD instruction course on shooting, which is exactly how everyone should learn to handle deadly weapons.

5. A cool pin commemorating the founding of a joint Blackwater/U.S. government.

6. This giant fucking gun.

7. Lube.

(h/t Adam Weinstein at Mother Jones.)