First Sex Headaches, Now the Hair’s Falling Out in Clumps?!?

I seem to have a propensity for contracting bizarre and almost comically annoying (but thankfully non-contagious and not-terribly-serious) illnesses.

Last fall, it was coital cephalalgia — “sex headaches” — and for around 5 weeks, I’d feel like a large man was kicking me in the head with a steel-toed boot whenever I experienced any, ahem, intimate stimulation. That stumped the doc, as I wrote at the time:

Despite the fact that 1 in a 100 people will get the ailment, the disorder is relatively unknown. Fearing for my health, as well as my sanity, I went to a doctor. He asked me what the problem was, and when I told him that a Google search-based diagnosis suggested that I suffered from coital cephalalgia, he whipped out his iPhone and started tapping away.

“I have to look this up,” he told me, adding: “Don’t worry, I’m not texting my girlfriend.” (He was doing just that, of course, and the text no doubt began: “You’ll never believe how screwed this poor dude sitting at my desk is …”)

Boy howdy, was I happy to see that condition go (although I have a 40 percent chance of a relapse at some point during the next 2.5 years).

I went back to that same beleaguered young GP yesterday, because I’d noticed that my hair, normally clean-shaven, was only growing back in spotty little patches. Once again he had to hit the books to come up with this:

Alopecia areata (AA) is a condition affecting humans, in which hair is lost from some or all areas of the body, usually from the scalp. Because it causes bald spots on the scalp, especially in the first stages, it is sometimes called spot baldness. In 1%–2% of cases, the condition can spread to the entire scalp (Alopecia totalis) or to the entire epidermis (Alopecia universalis).

This isn’t me (needless to say, I shaved):

I’m fortunate to be a guy (it effects women far more frequently than men), and for that matter one who’s chosen to deal with his run-of-the-mill male pattern baldness (Friar Tuck, not Bruce Willis) with a razor instead of spray-paint. And, hey, what can I say? — I have a pretty sexy cranium.

I must, however, admit to some despair that it’s hit the goatee. I’ve had to give up an important part of my identity as a lame, aging hipster-wannabe. But at least I won’t look like a freak-show as long as the eyebrows hold, and hopefully they will.

It’s a very rare condition — only 1 or 2 people in a thousand will experience the joys of having their hair fall out in clumps. In about 90 percent of the cases, it eventually starts growing back normally again, and, insha’Allah, I won’t be among the tiny minority who lose all their body hair for good.

Life … it can be downright weird, no?