I woke up this morning with a mad, radical thought in my head: What if I’m wrong and those damned Republicans really are right?  What if, after all their clowning around, it turns out they actually have what it takes to allow us to pack up our troubles in our old kit bag and smile, smile, smile?

It sat me right up, this thought that I’ve been fighting against that bunch for so long I’ve completely lost sight of what they might actually stand for.  Ye gads, what if Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin are just the kind of visionaries it takes to shock us into lasting prosperity?

I can’t say my eureka moment energized me enough to cause me to leap out of bed, but around my third cup of coffee it came to me that in order to understand my potential new pals I must go to the source and see what they have in mind for us once they’ve regained control of congress and have set to work fixing all of the things they so successfully screwed up in the first place.

I went to GOP.com, the one-stop-shopping place for all things Republican, and wasn’t a bit surprised to see Sarah Palin waiting for me at the door.  I got past  her, side-stepping the booth where they’re lining up to get on the Get Pelosi Fired bus, then found myself in some pretty nasty alleys and a few dead ends, but I forged on, looking for the magic portal marked “Solutions”, the entrance into proof-positive that the Republicans have only our best interests at heart and are working feverishly toward making America the Land of Plenty for more than just the ultra- über- super-rich.

So. You’re pretty sure I found it, right?  You can’t wait to read concrete evidence that the Republicans have actually come up with better recovery plans than anyone could even have imagined–that a miraculous fix is in the works, ready to be implemented as soon as they’re in power again.

I’ll bet you’re thinking I’m going to have to eat a whole field full of crow after all the naughty words I’ve used against them.

Not so fast, mateys.  This is all I found:  A six-part section called “Issues”.

The first, National Defense, is the longest, at 177 words, and starts out, “President Ronald Reagan’s approach to America’s national defense, which successfully confronted the Soviet Union and ended the Cold War, is as essential today as it was then.”
Okay. Nothing new there.

Issue number 2 is Health Care:  “We support common-sense health care reforms that would lower costs, preserve quality, end lawsuit abuse, and maintain the health care that Americans deserve.  We oppose government-run health care, which won’t preserve the physician-patient relationship, won’t promote competition, and won’t promote health care quality and choice.”
Americans deserve this kind of health care?  And this wins you brownie points?

Third issue, Energy:  “We believe in energy independence.  We support an ‘all of the above’ approach that encourages the production of nuclear power, clean coal, natural gas, solar, wind, geothermal, hydropower, as well as off-shore drilling in an environmentally responsible way. We oppose so-called cap and trade legislation that would impose a national energy tax on families and small businesses that would kill jobs and raise utility prices.”
Just kidding about that Green energy stuff.  We’re not really going to push that.

Education is number 4:  “We believe that maintaining a world-class system of primary and secondary education, with high standards, in which all students can reach their potential, is critically important to American’s future. We believe in the power of school choice, that giving parents the ability to send their children to better schools–not keeping them trapped in failing schools–is an important way to enable children to get the quality education they deserve.”
Okay, public ed, the jig’s up. You’re outta here.

Issue number 5 is Economy:  “We believe in the power and opportunity of America’s free market economy.  We believe in the importance of sensible business regulations that promote confidence in our economy among consumers, entrepreneurs and businesses alike.  We oppose interventionist policies that put the federal government in control of industry and allow it to pick winners and losers in the marketplace.”
In other words, carry on, O Leaders of the Pack.  Your money is safe with you.

Number 6, the final issue, is the Courts:  “Republicans believe a judge’s role is to interpret law, not make law from the bench. Judges in our court system, from district courts to the Supreme Court, should demonstrate fidelity to the U.S. Constitution.  We trust the judicial system to make rulings on the law and nothing else.“
Phew, glad this one was last.  Sure stinks up the place, doesn’t it?

So that’s it.  There’s nothing else.  Notice what’s missing?  There’s not a single solitary mention of the need to protect American workers or the need to create American jobs. Not a thing about the poor and middle classes, who are suffering the most in this depression masquerading as a recession.  Nothing about bankruptcies or foreclosures or people lining up at job sites, at food banks, at homeless shelters. Nothing about vets living on the streets. Nada bout kids having their health insurance canceled out of spite.  Nothing in there to sully their devotion to the Fat Cat sponsors who count on them to keep the “You line our pockets and we’ll line yours” roundelay going.

Okay, they’re as bad as I thought they were only just yesterday.  But I should sleep well tonight, ready for battle again tomorrow, because I’ve seen the nightmare and it is them.

But in case you’re still leaning toward voting the bums back in because the Democrats just aren’t doing it for you, you might want to read “The ‘Teach-the-Dems-a-Lesson’ myth” by Robert Parry.  It’s an eye-opener.

(*Boffo box office:  Old Variety headline meaning a film, play or performance has raked in the big bucks.)
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(Cross-posted at Ramona’s Voices here.)

We all know that certain people who make it a practice to depreciate the accomplishments of labor – who even attack labor as unpatriotic – they keep this up usually for three years and six months in a row. But then, for some strange reason they change their tune- every four years- just before election day. When votes are at stake, they suddenly discover that they really love labor and that they are anxious to protect labor from its old friends.
 

I got quite a laugh, for example – and I am sure that you did – when I read this plank in the Republican platform adopted at their National Convention in Chicago last July: “The Republican Party accepts the purposes of the National Labor Relations Act, the Wage and Hour Act, the Social Security Act and all other Federal statutes designed to promote and protect the welfare of American working men and women, and we promise a fair and just administration of these laws.”

 
You know, many of the Republican leaders and Congressmen and candidates, who shouted enthusiastic approval of that plank in that Convention Hall would not even recognize these progressive laws if they met them in broad daylight. Indeed, they have personally spent years of effort and energy – and much money – in fighting every one of those laws in the Congress, and in the press, and in the courts, ever since this Administration began to advocate them and enact them into legislation. That is a fair example of their insincerity and of their inconsistency.

 
The whole purpose of Republican oratory these days seems to be to switch labels. The object is to persuade the American people that the Democratic Party was responsible for the 1929 crash and the depression, and that the Republican Party was responsible for all social progress under the New Deal.

Now, imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery – but I am afraid that in this case it is the most obvious common or garden variety of fraud.

FDR, September 23, 1944

Okay, I feel like the mother hen here–the dotty old mother hen who keeps repeating herself, even when it’s clear that nobody wants to listen.  We mother hens do this, not because we’re so keen on being royal pains-in-the-ass, but because we’re keen on looking at the big picture and keeping it real.  So, yes, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again:  We Dems/Libs/Progs need to do everything we can to keep the Democrats in control.  If we don’t, the Republicans win and their gloating will take the form of locking us in towers and throwing away the keys.  They haven’t even won yet, but on the strength of polls and pundits telling them they will, they’re already planning ways to kill the few puny safety nets we’ve been able to jimmy into place.

(Cross-posted at Ramona’s Voices here.)