Haiti and Al Qaeda-A Modest Proposal

Memo

From: the Director of the Save Haiti NGO
To: Top Staff
Confidential
Al Qaeda in Haiti (Why Not?)

As we had feared at the beginning, the world, its leaders and its media seems to be already tiring of Haiti. They’ve had it with the horrific images, the mass graves, the starving throngs, the bulldozed bodies.  The great majority of the original flood of reporters have already left.  Only a fraction of the hundreds of millions of dollars that governments around the world pledged to aid Haiti have actually been given. Most never may be. So what happens? Does Haiti slink back to its status as one of the poorest countries on the face of the globe?

In other words, how do we at the Save Haiti NGO keep the momentum going? How do we keep Haiti and its desperate plight on page one? How do we get the tens of billions of dollars of long term aid and effort that this country needs?

I think I’ve found the answer. We close down our regular programs, our school lunches, and mango seed development and well-drilling and free dental clinics—Instead we launch—Al Qaeda in Haiti. Through cut-outs of course.

We get a couple of hundred of the millions of young Haitians desperate for anyway out of their poverty; we import a couple of fire-breathing radical Muslims to give appropriate cover to the operation; we give our Haitians a few weeks of clandestine training, and then we’re ready.

Indeed, we may already have fertile fodder in-country, saving us the expense of importing talent: Haiti already has 3250 Muslims. True, that’s only 0.04 percent of the population, but, hey, surely one despairing type would be willing to don a pair of loaded briefs and hop a plane to New York.
In fact, Douty Boukman, whose death supposedly kicked off Haiti’s revolution, may well have been of Muslim origin. Some later Muslim immigrants were Palestinians. (Check with the Israelis) They even had a Muslim representative in their Chamber of Deputies. We could stoke the spiritual flames by secretly offering scholarships in Salafist studies.

We could start with a suicide bomb attack on the U.S. Embassy to announce that Al Qaeda in Haiti has arrived, follow that up with a flurry of roadside IED’s, attacks against smaller police stations and city halls across the country.

There results are obvious: The U.S. media descend again en masse. The original skeptical reports give way to shock, alarums, and calls for the American president to act. We’re no longer talking about the threat from radical Islam in far-off Afghanistan. It’s here, at our door step!

Then we move to the big time: two of our recruits get picked up sailing a fishing boat towards Galveston, its hold filled with fertilizer-based explosive, another gets caught boarding a plane for New York from Port Au Prince, each of his voodoo beads filled with nerve gas.

By now thousands of American troops are back in Haiti. Of course, they’ve been here several times in decades past, but now that they’ve found a new front in the War against Terror. They’ll be pouring billions into Haiti–training and equipping a brand new Haitian army and police force, educating civil servants,  building new roads and bridges, and power stations, working with every local community organization they can lay their hands on.

As far as continuing to supply new recruits to our operation, the U.S. will take care of that as well. They’ll be there with their Predators and frightened, trigger-happy young soldiers who know nothing about our culture and people. In fact, once we have started the ball rolling it will maintain a momentum of its own.

Indeed, if this model works as well as I think it will, we might try it out in some of our other locations around the globe.

But let’s start with Haiti.