Same-sex marriage and Black gay men: not so fast

Apathy and indifference – “It doesn’t matter”

By Antoine Craigwell

“Do you, ?  take ? to be your lawful wedded spouse?”  “I do” times two, is the standard question and answer at wedding ceremonies where two people verbally commit to each other. It is a refrain likely to be repeated by thousands of same-sex couples across the state anytime after Jul 24 when the new same-sex marriage law takes effect following its passage and signature into law by New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. New York became the sixth state, along with Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, and Iowa, and the District of Columbia.  In a New York One television interview following the Heritage of Pride parade on Sunday, the governor, said, “I think you would see this message resonate across the country now.”

As a trend setter for the nation, it is expected that other states, dithering about minor issues, mostly religious in nature, would capitulate, thereby legalizing same-sex marriage and rendering any talk of a Constitutional Amendment to protect the institution of marriage moot. Many LGBT couples, who have been in long term relationships, whose states do not recognize same-sex relations, are expected to travel to New York from across the country to take advantage of the law, as a way of forcing their reluctant states into accepting their relationships and commitments.

While the law is seen as a triumph for the New York LGBT community and strengthens the resolve in the march toward same-sex rights across the country, there are palpable reasons why this achievement is tempered by caution. Despite New York’s public image of liberalism and progressiveness, largely attributed to downstate New York City, there are many New York residents who are acutely conservative and rabidly homophobic. The victory celebrated by the New York LGBT community, bolstered by support from national LGBT organizations, reflects a coordinated and determined effort to achieve an objective and flies in the face of many of the hatreds still present. But, just as those state politicians who voted against same-sex laws were voted out at the last elections, this time round, those who voted in favor, including Republicans who because of their religious conservatism and social hypocrisy, are likely to face some backlash from their respective constituents in upcoming elections.

But for many in the Black gay community, there is a sense of apathy and indifference toward the same-sex law. As a community, its feelings are rooted in the inherent homophobia led by religious precepts that are still present in Black families, and as some suggest, will take time to change or maybe not at all. Earlier this month, two Harlem pastors, as leaders of religious communities, demonstrated their homophobia against Harlem Pride’s picnic in Marcus Garvey Park in the heart of Harlem. There were also the unforgettable and hurtful words from Tracy Morgan, the Black comedian. One wonders how foolish he and the pastors must feel now. Yet, prior to its passage, many LGBT were still being attacked, assaulted and abused because of their orientation or perceptions of who they are and many young LGBT are still being cast out, rendered homeless by their parents and guardians. The many LGBT who were victims of recent violent assaults and killings underscore the persistence of hatred. With the passage of the law, there is a concern that many are being lulled into the false sense of security, as the law is one more round in the battery of laws against hate crimes, nondiscrimination, and prohibitions against bullying in schools in defense of the LGBT community. Many LGBT are tempted to think that they could openly display their same-gender affections outside of New York City’s West Village or other already accepted enclaves, on an equal footing, such as holding hands, snuggling, and kissing in public, as heterosexual couples. The question now for the LGBT community is, with their new found sense of empowerment, should they feel free, entitled and equal enough to flaunt their same-sex attractions in public, and should they steel themselves against what would inevitably be some backlash, the dying throes of homophobic heterosexuals or homosexuals in hiding?

For many in the Black and Black gay community, except primarily for those Black gay men and women with White partners who were progressive and forceful in working for the law, there is a general apathy and disinterest among others. Many Black gay men were not involved in activism and advocating for the passage of the law. Many saw it as a middle-and upper-middle class White activity, and not something for and to which they had a stake, or could see any tangible benefit. Many Black lesbians, who stood with their White counterparts in the forefront of the debate, saw the long term benefits of being able to marry their partner. But, many Black gay men were myopic and largely absent, not seeing the law as something to which they had any place, not their business.

Reflecting the view of many of his generation, Aulister Mark, an African-American intern at In The Life Media, Inc., a LGBT film and television company, regards passage of the same-sex marriage law with indifference, “It doesn’t matter to me that much.”

As a 21-year-old, he maintains that his stance is common among his peers. Coming from a single parent family and looking at many of those in his age group, he says that the construction, model and example of marriage is not as sound as it is made out to be. He says that many marriages are in divorce, separation, or for a variety of reasons, there are many single-parent households. And, while he doesn’t foresee marriage, as yet, for those like him who have grown up more accepting of the differences among people, there is less stigma and discrimination surrounding being gay, lesbian or transgender.

At the other end of the age spectrum, a 51-year-old African-American Harlem resident who owns and lives in his property, says he is in favor of the legal protections the same-sex marriage law affords, including survivability and passing on assets, health visitations, easier adoptions, and tax and other benefits that straight couples enjoy, which bring LGBT on an equal playing field with their heterosexual counterparts.

But, presenting another aspect which underlies Black gay men disinterest toward the same-sex marriage law, Bernard Tarver says that before Black gay men talk about same-sex marriage, they have to think of addressing and dealing with the obstacles to relationships. For many, there are still a lot of other issues, such as self esteem, being comfortable to be out, and being open about their sexual orientation in public. As a result of a number of issues, he says, Black gay men do not possess a long term vision for relationships. With this law, he says,  Black gay men now entering into relationships would able to see a path leading to something tangible and an opportunity to plan for the long term.

“Straight people have the luxury of a long range vision for their relationships. In the Black community, with many examples of people in long term relationships, this allows many people to reap benefits. Before, goals in relationships were always short term and breakable,” he says.

Supporting Tarver’s point of view, Herb Williams, chair of the New York City chapter of Adodi, an empowerment group for Black same-gender loving (SGL) men, says, “If a person wants to take advantage of this, one of the things which is a challenge in gay relationships in the Black community is that the lack of acceptance by a society that made it okay not to take relationships seriously.”

Williams believes that it is a gradual process for Black gay men to be able to walk in public, beyond the West Village, holding hands comfortably, and the law allows many to at least feel they have more freedom.

“This does not mean that Black families would be more accepting of their Black sons saying he is gay,” Williams says.

The young man from Jersey City who stood up at the panel discussion held last Thursday at the Casa Frela Gallery in Harlem voiced one palpable fear many Black gay men live with: that for Black gay men there is the sense of being condemned by a society and culture which values and places expectations on procreation and familial bonds, and in which many see their homosexuality as a curse, damned to live alone and into old age as isolated old men.

In New York, as in many other states, there are Black gay couples who have been together for several years. While for many their relationships and commitment to each other is known to their respective families and friends, some have taken the added step of being married in Canada, Vermont or Massachusetts, or as far away as The Netherlands or South Africa, but many prefer not to have their relationship made public. While many have established, through legal instruments for their joint assets, articles for survivability, they are loath to be out and proud about their committed relationship. There is some speculation among those Black gay men in long term committed relationships of the perceived fear of being known is related to the non-acceptance by the wider society, by others who would ridicule and condemn them as two Black men in a relationship similar to a heterosexual relationship, and further still, by some others who would set about destabilizing and destroying what they cannot understand.

With no viable example for comparison, the new same-sex law gives the Black gay community the tools to define the marriage construct according to their relationships, either using the existing heterosexual model or to create a separate and different model or paradigm suitable to their particular nature.